


Too much, never enough

by Xaori



Category: Biohazard | Resident Evil (Gameverse)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, No Romance, Okay maybe a little romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-13 00:56:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14739071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xaori/pseuds/Xaori
Summary: Two women, one night, countless drinks and confessions that might fix what one man alone messed up during years.





	1. Chapter One

**Chapter One**

The first snow had fallen as soon as the night had coated the city in darkness, and it was freezing cold. Nights like those Claire appreciated having kept her small two room apartment, which was as easy to heat as to clean, ignoring Tom's suggestions to look for a bigger home. Who was Tom to suggest anything anyway?

It had been a long day and, tired of the daily house works, she dropped into the comfy armchair next to the window and watched the snowflakes flying in beautiful curls through the night from the dark safety of her home while she sipped some steaming tea. She used to love snow, it meant winter was coming and it'd soon be Christmas again.

_Christmas._

Her heart ached as she remembered the happiness the holidays had so often brought her. Chris and Jill with her little son, herself, Sherry, Leon… They all tried to come together for those dates, always praying that there wouldn't be another outbreak in any corner of the world that would put all their organizations in a state of emergency. Fortunately, since the Edonian civil war in 2012, there hadn't been any more distractions that would force them into battle, interrupting their celebrations. Yes, Christmas used to be a peaceful time, too bad that this Christmas wouldn't be the same.

A heavy sigh left her lips as she wiped over the moist glass of the window. The snow kept falling and would hide the streets under its veil, and it made her feel as lonely as never before. So much had changed in the past months that she actually feared the holidays that were about to arrive.

After yawning widely, she decided to go to bed as soon as she'd finish her drink before she'd doze off in the armchair again. It wouldn't be the first time and her back would remind her of it the following days. But the night had other plans for her.

A sound caught her attention and put her on alert. Sharpened instinct and always ajar doors made it impossible for her to miss a sound that wasn't supposed to exist in her apartment. Intuitively, her hand reached for the secret compartment under the armchair and pulled out her gun, before she quickly removed her shoes and walked barefooted towards the bedroom. Nobody would ever disturb what she had built up here, whoever dared, would soon regret it.

Claire pushed her ear against the door. All she could hear was the sound of the wind blowing through a window she hadn't opened, of that she was sure. Finger on the trigger, she took one last breath and pushed the door open, ready to surprise whoever was in the room behind. Stepping inside with dangerous attitude, she soon stared into the barrel of a gun.

"Hello Claire." Dark eyes watched her from the shadows, only the moonlight glowing around the silhouette of the woman in front. She looked attractive, young and trained, as if time stood still for her.

"Ada," the redhead whispered, still keeping the gun up. "I'd say it's a surprise, but I somehow knew you would show up here someday." She chuckled. "Sorry I haven't any leftovers from dinner anymore."

Ada grinned.

"I didn't remember you so overconfident, Redfield," she murmured lifting a brow. "But it suits you."

"What do you want?"

They stared at each other in the darkness with lifted guns, none of them willing to grant their opponent any peace. Ada shook her head slightly.

"I came to see her."

"Screw you!" Claire hissed, loud enough to startle even herself. In a lower voice she repeated her words. "Screw you."

The woman in red tilted her head and stared at her unwilling host in silence.

"Look, Claire," she said in a calm voice. "It wasn't difficult to tell that she was with you, and finding you was even easier." She chuckled ridiculing the redhead in front of her. "I have been watching you two for months. I know your schedule, your habits, I know when you wake up and I know that you can't have any leftovers from dinner because you haven't had dinner tonight." Her challenging glance rested on the redhead as she smirked victoriously at her. "So, if you allow," she pointed to the crib in the corner of the room. "I will now have a look at my daughter."

Claire's heart started beating in despair. It was true, she had always known this moment would come, but a part of her had clung to the hope that the spy would remain as uninterested in her child as she had been until now. Why she had chosen the days before Christmas to show up wasn't easy to tell. She sighed.

"If you know so well what happens in this house," she whispered as Ada approached the baby bed, about to lift the covers. "How come you don't know that Holly doesn't sleep here?"

Ada watched the pillow under the blanket as if it was a mirror reflecting the blackness of her own soul. She hissed and turned her head back to Claire, hesitating a second, before she put the gun down.

"Where is she?" It was hard to tell in the utter darkness of the room, but Claire could have sworn she saw a tear in the spy's eye as she pressed out the words she'd never expected her to say. "Can I please see her?"

Maybe it was the spirit of the upcoming holidays, or just the look on the spy's face, but something made her reconsider. Defeatedly, Claire put the gun down as well and turned the lights in the room on, so they could finally see each other clearly. Two women, part of the same mess; one by accident, the other by choice; one, red by nature; the other because it suited her. They also saw the pain in each other's eyes.

Claire pointed somewhere behind her.

"She's in my bedroom," she cleared her throat as her look dropped to the ground. "Leave your weapons here, will you? She's pretty fast grabbing things in her reach."

Ada doubted. It was a luxury she allowed herself, because doubting was human and Claire was human enough to understand, but she eventually laid the gun onto the floor and freed several knives from their holster. It was suicidal, and she wouldn't have done it for anyone else, but she had come to make things right and there was no reason to start it with a wrong choice. Claire put down her weapon as well and led the uninvited guest into her bedroom.

* * *

Was there ever a human being who had seen actual emotion on her face? she wondered. Had ever anyone known the side of Ada Wong she was knowing now? Had Leon gotten to see her this way or had she hidden her emotions from him as well? Claire watched in silence as the woman in red walked hesitantly toward the crib where Holly was sleeping. Bent over the child, she whispered softly.

"She's beautiful."

She truly was. Dark hair, Asian features, she had Ada's face and would someday turn into a copy of her beautiful mother, and no matter how much Claire loved the child, watching her would always remind her of something she had always longed for, but never gotten to call hers.

"And she's very smart," she breathed. "It's amazing how quickly she learns, and she's just a year old."

Ada chuckled and turned to the redhead who was leaning against the door frame.

"I expected he would call you," she said sighing. "I guess it was the right thing to do."

Claire's eyes fell shut as she gulped down the knot in her throat. She had always been the right choice, the responsible choice, but never the exciting, passionate one. The memory of how the little girl had made her way into her life wasn't precisely a fairytale.

"You said her name is Holly?"

Ada caressed softly over the girl's hair as Claire kept watching her.

"He chose it," she replied. "He said it was his sister's name."

The spy turned to the redhead.

"His sister?"

Claire rubbed her nose, cocking her head.

"She died when they were children, it seems." They both nodded, in acceptance and understanding, before Ada looked back at the child in the crib.

"She sleeps so peacefully. Does she sleep the whole night long?"

The redhead took a deep breath. Ada's shallow comments wouldn't make her forget the questions that were burning in her chest like hot iron.

"Why did you leave her?"

She knew there wasn't an easy answer to that. Work, maybe? Okay, yes, there was an easy answer. Claire watched her as Ada opened her mouth, trying to explain. She felt curious about what excuse the spy would come up with.

"I wasn't ready."

 _Wasn't ready._  Did that mean she was ready now? Claire felt a heavy weight pressing down on her heart.

"Why did you have her in the first place?"

And something seemed to crack inside the woman in red. Claire knew that child wasn't meant to exist, for many reasons. She had been an accident, fruit of just another one of those nights they both considered so forbidden it was hard to say no.

"I wanted it, at some point." She smiled tenderly. "What a thing to say, huh? A child is impossible in my line of work." She sighed and got back up, giving Claire a soft look. "Can I hold her?"

Claire sucked in an impatient breath.

"You're gonna wake her." That wasn't the problem. Holly used to sleep so tight that nothing would interrupt her slumber, and it was something Claire was entirely grateful for. What she feared more than a crying child in the middle of the night was the magic spreading from that tiny being, because once Ada would hold her, she'd never want to let go of her again, just like it had happened to herself. The other woman's deep gaze impacted on her and seemed to hypnotize her. Who was she to tell a woman she couldn't take up her own child? With a heavy heart, she nodded slowly and stared as Ada removed the soft blanket and pulled up the baby girl.

Drool bubbled from Holly's mouth as she opened her almond shaped eyes and looked at her mother for a second, just checking who was disturbing her sleep before leaning against her shoulder and drifting back into slumber. Claire grimaced in pain as she saw the smile popping onto Ada's face.

"Hello Holly," she whispered softly, rubbing her hand over the dark locks, trying to watch her little face. "Damnit she's precious."

"She's…" Claire's voice was soft, trying to hide how close it was to break. "She is a wonderful child."

Ada looked at her.

"I want to thank you for what you've done, for taking care of her," she said and turned her head back to Holly. "But I will take her with me now."

What could one do when someone ripped their heart out? Stand and watch? Let them take it? Go down without fighting? Giving up was something that didn't exist in Claire Redfield's vocabulary. She pushed her back against the door, closing it behind her and shaking her head.

"No, you won't."

They locked eyes, threatening each other with stabbing gazes and hateful thoughts. They were both willing to take down the other, but for the sake of the child, they decided not to pull out the last weapons they had kept, hidden from each other's eyes.

"Claire," Ada spoke in a calm voice. Ever since she'd met her brother, she had known that the name Redfield stood for stubbornness, and the never ending need to help others. "I am incredibly grateful for your sacrifice, but I think this is the best for all of us." She cleared her throat. "I know you gave up your position in TerraSave and that your fiancé made his mind up about your wedding. You even cut contact with your brother. How are you going to do this alone? How are going to pay for all the costs?"

Claire blinked. It was true, she was alone after she'd decided to take in a child that wasn't hers and had been called all kinds of stupid by Chris. Jill had understood, but it wasn't enough to make her stay. Tom, at least, hadn't even pretended he was worried about her, leaving her apartment right after being told she was adopting Holly.

"Don't worry about that. I've always been good at saving money," she hissed. "And if there's ever an emergency-" She exhaled deeply. "There's still her father's life insurance."

Those words triggered something in both of them, a feeling of regret, failure and loss. They got quiet, as if the ghost of Leon Kennedy had told them to stop fighting, keep calm, and talk. After holding gazes for a while, Claire lowered her head.

"Do you want a drink?"


	2. Chapter Two

Just one drink. That was agreed. They put Holly back to bed and sat together at the wooden table in the living room, Claire bringing a bottle of whisky and two glasses along with her. With a grimace on her face, she poured down the first burning shot.

“Damnit!” She groaned as she pushed the empty glass away. “And Leon used to drink this shit like water.”

Ada took a tiny sip from her glass, after swinging it around a couple of times.

“He did,” she whispered laughing. “It was part of him.”

Claire watched her in silence. It was a weird situation for both of them, filled with so many unspoken thoughts, hard feelings and questions that would remain unanswered - or maybe not.

“So, are you planning on leaving business?” Claire’s sharp question cut the thick air. “Or what makes you think you have now the time to take care of Holly?” She served herself another drink as Ada poured down hers.

“I think it’s time,” the spy whispered. “I always wondered how that would feel like. What would make me want to leave everything behind and-” A sigh left her lips. “Just live.”

Claire watched the other woman as she filled her glass a second time. She herself was now just sipping the whisky instead of gulping it down. The first one had hit the pain, the second one was slowly drowning it.

“It’s easy when you have something to do it for,” she said and tilted her head towards the bedroom, where the child was sleeping. “Something that reminds you every day that you made the right choice.”

Ada smirked.

“Is that what made you give up everything?” She shook her head. “She’s not even your child.”

Claire’s grip tightened around her glass as memories from the past floated back to her.

 

_“How do you even know she’s yours?”_

 

**Christmas Day, one year earlier.**

Leon laughed shortly and emptied his glass.

“I guess I could get a paternity test.” He grinned at her before he raked his fingers through his hair. She kept watching him.

“But you won’t.”

She had never seen him like this before. Agitated, even frightened, Leon walked through his apartment, pouring down one drink after another and drifting from manic laughter to desperate whimpers. He didn’t cry. He never cried, especially not in front of others and Claire was the only one he would ever allow to see him in the shape he was in. He sat at the table, watching the little package Ada had left for him, and shook his head.

Maybe he was afraid she was his; or maybe he was afraid she wasn’t. The point was that it didn’t matter if he was or not the father of that child; he wanted to keep the girl, love her and take care of her, just because of who her mother was. It was a noble decision and she had to admit she admired her friend for being so open-minded to let love make him overlook the small detail of matching DNA. Smiling, she took his hand and squeezed it.

“You’re not alone in this.”

 

**Present**

The liquor adhered to the walls of the glass as she shook it, building a dense film on them. Claire took a sip. She had asked herself that question very often, always hoping for a different answer, which never came. She breathed.

“But she’s his. And that’s enough.” She smirked, admitting she wasn’t any better than Leon himself. She cocked her head. “At least, that’s what he wanted to believe.” Her judging glance flew to Ada and stuck on her face. The dark-haired woman lifted a brow and smirked.

“I expected him to get a test,” she whispered, smiling softly, closing her eyes to avoid Claire’s judgement. “I’m not a nun, Claire, but I’m not a prostitute either.” She sighed heavily. “Could she have been someone else’s, I wouldn’t have kept her.”

The redhead blinked at her. That confession had been a hard one to make for Ada. Maybe she felt safe with Claire’s company, in that tiny two room apartment that had always been enough, and Claire thought she was close to getting the answer to a question Leon had been asking himself for nearly twenty years.

“Did you love him?”

Ada stopped smiling and licked over her lips. Claire observed her trying to avoid answering that uneasy question. Eventually, the dark-haired woman got up and walked to the window. Leaning her forehead against the glass, she cleared her throat.

“That’s none of your business.”

A chuckle left Claire’s lips.

“That’s a yes.”

Ada didn’t respond, she didn’t deny. She laughed, turned and leaned her back against the window, giving Claire a ridiculing glance.

“I always got what I wanted from him. Not less, not more.” She chuckled. “What about you?”

More memories came with her words. Hadn’t she been asking herself that question too?

 

_“Why are you so good to me?”_

 

**New Year’s Eve, close to midnight, about a year earlier.**

She found him sitting at the table and watching the city get ready for 2018 when she returned to the living room.

“She’s asleep now,” Claire whispered and took the remote control to turn on the TV and catch the latests minutes of some 2017 New Year’s Eve show, but Leon stopped her, grabbing her wrist before she could catch the remote. Her look dropped onto him, then onto the open champagne bottle. “Leon, this was for the midnight toast.” She should have gotten more whiskey for him.

He gave her a serious glance.

“I asked you something, Claire.” His voice was low, the dark circles under his eyes hadn’t disappeared since he’d shown up with that girl after Christmas. “Why are you doing this?”

Claire shook the bottle, noticing how empty it was already. Smiling shyly, she turned her back to him to get a new one from the kitchen.

“You’re asking stupid questions, Leon.”

“You should be with your fiancé, or with your brother, or both of them,” he called from the living room into the kitchen, where Claire was busy searching the most decent champagne they had left.

“They understand, Leon,” she replied proudly reading the label on the bottle she’d found. “Tom is working anyway.” She got up and walked back into the living room, running into Leon’s stabbing gaze. She smiled. “Also, Holly is such a sweet girl.”

He sighed.

“You’re not her mother, Claire.”

 

Time seemed to stop when he shot those words at her. What was the purpose behind his childish behavior? No, she wasn’t her mother. Her mother was who knows where, killing or stealing, fleeing from any responsibilities regarding her little daughter and the man she had left broken and buried under millions of questions. Her face stiffened as she clenched her teeth in anger and pain, having to turn her head away to banish the threatening tears. Hadn’t Leon punished her enough with years of indifference and coldness?

Fireworks lit up the sky and announced the new year as they shone their red and yellow glow onto her face. Apparently, time was still running. Gathering some courage, Claire turned her head back to her friend, giving him a judging glance he held bravely.

She ripped the cork off the bottle and filled a glass, clinking it against Leon’s empty one, before pouring down the champagne in one single gulp.

“Happy New Year Leon.” With a chiding tone, Claire turned away and walked into the guest bedroom where she was sleeping. Who was he thinking he was? He had called her because she was the only one he could call, the only one who wouldn’t judge him, the only one who would understand. Because she had always understood, had always stayed with him in every single one of his stupid decisions. How often had she picked up the pieces of him after Ada had left him broken? Now, after making her come and fall in love with that little child, was he trying to send her away? Holly wasn’t hers. No matter how often she had wished to hold Leon Kennedy’s child in her arms someday, reality differed too much from her dreams. Pushing the door close, she leaned her back against it and slid to the ground, hiding her face in her knees and letting the tears flow until her phone buzzed.

“Hey Darling,” she whispered as soon as she’d wiped away her tears and answered Tom’s call. “Happy New Year.”

 

**Present**

“I always loved him.” Claire’s honest words cut the silence in the room. “All the way since Raccoon City, he was my best friend, the one I trusted, and the one I wanted to trust me. All I wanted was to see him happy but all I saw was breakdown after breakdown over your loss. I would have given everything for him, but my everything was never enough.” She looked at Ada, who was still standing next to the window and listening carefully to her. “He always wanted you, the mystery, the unreachable perfection. And who can blame him? Look at you, Ada. You are all legs and tits and ass, you make stunning children and only one year after giving birth you’re in a better shape than myself, who never even got pregnant because-” she stopped and breathed before continuing. ”Because I can’t get pregnant.” She whimpered a little but didn’t let the thought break her again. “I was always there for him, Ada. I picked him up and I never asked for anything in exchange. He didn’t understand it, but the day he brought Holly to me was the first time he gave me something back.” Her palms found the table surface and pushed herself onto her feet. “And that’s why I can’t let you have her.”

 

Ada breathed at her revelation, a little moved by her disgrace.

“You can’t have children?”

Claire’s look dropped to the floor. She shook her head.

“Some infections-related stuff.” Regretful laughter filled the room. “Left me sterile. But that’s not the point here.” She hissed. “The point is that you weren’t mature enough to take care of your own daughter and left it with Leon, who was probably even less prepared than yourself.” She couldn’t hold back a nod that was meant to reinforce her own words and comfort her. “Calling me was the best thing he could do and the wisest choice he made in his whole life.”

Ada’s lip twitched into a short smile.

“You are blaming me for his choices, Claire,” she whispered. “It’s not my fault that he never gave you the attention you wished, maybe even deserved. Maybe you were always a little too much commitment to him.”

 

Claire swallowed under the impact of Ada’s words. Commitment. Was that what Leon had seen in her? Was she just someone who wanted to put him on a leash, exhibit him as a perfect family man?

 

_“Claire…”_

 

**New Year, about a year earlier, 1am… or a little later.**

 

She woke the moment he walked into the bedroom and felt the floor tremble under his steps, her back turned towards the door, and to him. She knew he would regret having her treated so unjustly, especially since he had been the one who had requested her help. It took him awhile to reach her bed and drop to his knees in front of it. The moment he touched her shoulder, she already had the response for him waiting on the tip of her tongue.

“It’s okay, Leon,” she whispered without turning to him, rubbing her face into the softness of her pillow. Her hand reached for his and caressed it softly. “I’m not mad at you. I know you…” She cleared her throat. “You just meant well.” She removed her hand from his and put it back under her pillow, closing her eyes. “Now go to bed.”

 

He sighed into her ear, right before she felt the weight behind her shift. She ripped her eyes open and sat up in her bed, finally turning to him. He was lying down next to her.

“I meant _to your bed_ , you know?”

He smirked and pulled her back onto the mattress next to him, causing her heart to race. He was incredibly close now, his finger caressed softly over her collarbone, the only skin those fluffy Christmas pajamas of hers let show. What an awful, unsexy thing to wear while Leon was touching her that way. She swallowed.

“What are you doing?” She asked, trying to make her voice sound funny and comfortable. “Let me guess, you’re afraid there are monsters under your bed and you don’t want to sleep alone.”

Leon chuckled.

“I’m sorry for what I said before, Claire,” he said, his fingers tickling softly over her skin. “Nobody has ever done something so selfless for me and-” His voice was unusually soft as he spoke. “I just feel you deserve better.”

In that, they agreed. She deserved much more than being just the friend who helped him with his unexpected child, but even if he was never going to give her more, the way they had been living for the previous days, discovering the joy and despair of parenthood together, was priceless, and if anyone would have told her she could live like this for the rest of her days, she would have bought it. Claire smiled.

“I just want to see you two happy, Leon. You know, I kinda love that child,” she whispered as her hand pulled Leon’s off her neck and her fingers entwined in his. “It’s crazy, isn’t it?”

He didn’t reply; not with words at least. He just smiled and cupped her chin, pressing his lips onto hers without any previous warning, taking her completely by surprise.

The kiss was short, broken by Leon himself. He leaned back and studied her face, as if he tried to analyze what she was thinking. Or maybe it was himself he was analyzing, asking his guts if he had felt something. Anything. He smiled again as his fingers removed some strands from her face and caressed her cheekbones. He leaned against her, catching her lips with his again as his hands pulled her closer. Closing her eyes and opening her mouth to him, she let him devour her entirely, soul and all. He moaned a bit and placed himself on top of her, claiming her, and she clung to him, pressing herself against him as if she feared he could fly away. Before anyone of them knew what they were doing, their bodies were melting together, arms, legs and tongues tangled tightly into each other’s. Claire gasped as Leon lowered his hand and pushed it slowly under her pajama shirt. She grabbed his hand.

“Wait!” They locked eyes. He looked so damn handsome. “I’m engaged.”

A smirk crawled up his face, his hair falling beautifully over his eyes, before he brought his face to her neck and bit it softly, trying to drink from her.

“Forget Tom,” he panted as his hands kept exploring her body, almost reaching her breasts and making her shiver under his touch. “You’re with me now.”

She couldn’t hold back a desperate laugh. She wanted him, she had always wanted him, and no matter how mad she was at herself for giving in, no matter how bad she felt for the man who had treated her like she was the only woman on Earth ever since he’d met her, she still wanted Leon Kennedy to make her his.

She could have asked him what this was, should have asked him what it was, but the fear of hearing this was just the product of the champagne, or a fuck out of pity, when she longed for so much from him, cut her breath and numbed her lips, letting all well-considered words come out as moans and gasps. Her hands ran down until they found the hem of his shirt and started pulling angrily at it, forcing it up his back and over his head. Damn, he was beautiful. Soft skin marked with several scars covered his muscles. His body was warm, smooth, exciting, and she wanted to feel him closer on her own skin, offering no resistance when he removed her shirt and pressed his bare chest against hers.

It was wonderful to be so close to him. She moaned softly when he slowly ran his tongue over her collarbone and down her skin until he found her breast, kissing it tenderly while his hands were busy caressing her stomach and hips. He definitely knew what he was doing. Claire squeezed her eyes shut, arched her back and scratched over his shoulders, leaving him bleeding for sure, making him groan. He bit her, it hurt, and it was all she could ask for.

Fingers hooked into the fabric, he pulled down her pajama pants, slipping them down her thighs, while his lips covered her stomach with a wet line of kisses. She ran her fingers through his hair and pulled on it, aching to hear him scream, receive his moans and be the only object of his desire. Once he’d stripped his own pants off, he crawled on top of her again, making her moan in expectation as his erection stroked her inner thigh.

“Oh, god.” Claire yelped and caught his mouth with hers, explored his tongue and sucked on it, before she wrapped her legs around his hips, pushing her feet against his butt, urging him forward.

“Shhhh,” he hushed her, cupping her jaw and tickling her with his fingertips. She chuckled, and so did he. “Patience, Claire, I want us to enjoy this.”

Could she have loved him more? He kissed her mouth again, pushed his hands down her body and rubbed his dick against her. It slid easily over the lubricating wetness of her spot, and the sensation killed them both.

“Leon, please.” Claire’s voice was shallow and low when she supplicated, her legs pressing him harder against her. After one last kiss and a short chuckle, he finally pushed into her.

It was heaven to feel him inside. The further he pushed, the deeper her fingernails dug into his sore flesh again. He groaned, she yelped…

And Holly started crying in the other bedroom.

They both froze, holding their gazes, wishing time could stand still for them just a little longer. But the defenseless baby girl in the next room wouldn’t stop screaming, begging for the love of a mother who wasn’t caring the slightest about her and whose only available substitute was right now lying with widely spread legs and bare tits under the man who was supposed to be the father of that child.

Leon sighed and turned his head away, his grip remained tight around her body. Claire licked over her lips and combed his hair out of his face, beginning to shift under his weight.

“I…” she whispered as he abandoned her heat. “I’ll be right back.” Rolling out of the bed and wrapping a silken robe around her naked body, she left Leon in the bedroom to look after the crying child in the next one.

* * *

 

Holly was crying loudly in the brand new, wooden crib they had bought for her the day after Christmas. Claire reached for the girl and pulled her into her embrace, shushing her.

“What’s wrong darling? Are you hungry?”

She was so small and fragile that it raised in Claire the need to protect her from every harm. Holly turned to her chest, palping the skin the robe had left uncovered, intuitively searching for a breast to drink from.

“Oh,” the redhead whined, fighting against the threatening tears. “Sweetheart, we better prepare you a bottle.”

She carried Holly to the kitchen on soft steps, cradling the girl while she prepared the milk one-armedly, talking to her whenever the girl’s whimpers turned into deep-throated screams.

Once fed, Holly drifted quickly into slumber again, promising Claire to be quiet for the rest of the night. At least it was what the woman wished for as she laid the child back into the crib and placing a tiny kiss onto the girl’s forehead.

“Sleep well, darling.”

She turned to the door and found Leon leaning against the doorframe, wearing his pants again. What a pity, she thought. How long had it taken her to feed Holly? How much time had passed since she’d left him in the bedroom? He looked amazing in the dark, his muscles drawing beautiful shadows onto his stomach. She cocked her head and gave him a seductive smirk.

“So, where were we?” She asked.

He smiled warmly at her as she stepped closer to him, her hands looping around his body as soon as he was in her reach. Tiptoeing, she tried to kiss his mouth again, but Leon cupped her jaw in both hands and held her back. With a serious glance, he thumbed over her left cheek as he turned her head a little and kissed her right one, rubbing his nose against her ear afterwards.

“You’re too much, Claire.”

Eyes wide open, she pulled back from him.

“Too much?” She whispered hesitantly, her voice quickly turning into a tool of rage and anger. “Too much of what?”

Leon didn’t reply. He grabbed her hand and held it.

“Happy New Year.”

New, yes. Year, that was right too. But happy? Claire swallowed as he let go of her hands and walked past her into the room and towards his bed, dropping onto the mattress, and leaving his friend in doubt and hesitance.

Her whole body was shaking, not from cold, but from anger and deception. Claire closed her eyes and clenched her teeth before she walked out of the bedroom and back into her own.

_Too much._

Lying down on the bed, she cried herself to sleep that night.

 

 


	3. Chapter Three

**Present**

Claire took another sip from her drink, feeling Ada’s gaze on her. Maybe it was really commitment Leon had been talking about that night. Her heart ached a little as she remembered the long hours on a tear-soaked pillow before she had thrown all her stuff carelessly into the suitcase and walked to the door, willing to leave. She had been held back by the soft sounds Holly was making in her crib while Leon was still sleeping, and had decided to stay because of the girl. In the week she had spent with her she had learned to love her like her own child. Also, leaving her with Leon would have been as responsible as letting the child play with a loaded gun. So, instead of leaving, she had unpacked her suitcase and started cooking breakfast. They’d kept living together like best friends raising a child, never speaking about what had happened. Not even when Leon had left for an assignment another week later.

 

If only they had known it would be his last one.

 

Claire held back tears.

“What do you know about… his death?”

Ada’s look hardened as she lowered her head and bit her lower lip.

“I know he and Helena Harper went to Uganda to bring down a group of bioweapon dealers who were operating from there.” She sighed. “I know that Leon was the last survivor of their fight when the self-destruct system shut all exits.”

Claire watched her shake heavily as she spoke. Ada walked back to the table and filled her glass anew, pouring the whole content down before she sat back at the table next to the redhead. Claire swallowed as she remembered the quick message she’d received from Leon when all possibilities to get out alive had been consumed and destroyed, when he was already waiting for the bomb to blast and kill him. _Take care of Holly_ had been everything he had told her. He hadn’t tried to call. When she’d seen the message ten minutes later, he was already dead. She had cried his death, no doubt, but there was also a part of her that had felt relieved over the certainty that she would never have to stand his indifference again.

“Did he call you?” she asked.

Ada swallowed. Yes, she had spoken to him right before he died, but no, he hadn’t called her.

 

_“Always choosing the best moments, Ada.”_

 

**January 8th, phone call to Bushenyi district, Uganda, from somewhere only Ada knows**

 

“Leon, love. I heard you’re after the Doomsday group in Africa.” She chuckled into the speaker. “I might have useful information about their locations I could offer you at a good price.”

He huffed out a laugh.

“Really? A good price? Shall I take out a mortgage on my apartment or will asking the President for an advance this month be enough?”

She laughed.

“You know how I like to receive payments from you. I know you’re in Uganda. How about I come to see you tonight?”

He chuckled.

“Since when do you make appointments? Is showing up unannounced not classy enough anymore?” His voice sounded ridiculing as he spoke, causing her to laugh shyly.

“I thought it would be a good idea to check on you before.”

Leon sighed.

“It’s… not a good time, Ada.”

_Thirty seconds to self-destruct._

The voice in the background sent a shiver down her spine.

“Where are you?” The question popped out in a way too scared tone.

“On the floor, next to the dead body of Helena Harper and surrounded by twenty more corpses.”

“Goddamnit, Leon,” she yelled into the phone, already typing quickly on the computer in front of her. “They need to get you out of there.”

He chuckled as he heard how her fingers flew over the keyboard.

“I think I’m running out of time,” he said. “This is a very complex system to be cracked in less than twenty seconds.”

Ada felt her whole body shake as she spoke to Leon. She had always expected this day to come, but it still caused a terrible shock to her. But another thought gained even more importance.

“Where is Mae?”

Leon cleared his throat.

“Holly,” he said remarking the name as he spoke, “is with her mother.”

Her mother.

Ada clenched her teeth.

“I’m her mother,” the offended hiss shot through the line, causing him to laugh.

“No, Ada. You are her progenitor.” He said before his voice turned low and warn. “Thank you for letting me know her. She is wonderful.” Those words seemed to push into her chest, grab her heart and rip it out to tear it apart. She put her hand onto her chest to check if there was still something beating inside.

“Leon,” she fought against the threatening tears.

“Take care Ada. If you excuse me now, I still have a message to send.”

 

He hung up and left her in silence. For the very first time, Ada wanted more of him than she could have.

 

**Present**

“I saw you at his funeral.” Claire’s words pulled Ada back to reality. She nodded.

“It was the least I could do. To give him one last act of humbleness and respect.” She sighed. “Your speech was beautiful, by the way.”

“Thank you.” Claire nodded shortly before the question in her head found its way out. “Why did it take you so long to show up here?”

Ada swung the empty glass around, thinking of a proper answer.

“His death cut every will to be a mother out of me,” she whispered. “I knew she was being taken care of, and that was all I needed to know. She was better with you than with me.”

Claire lifted her glass to gulp down the bitterness in her mouth.

“What makes you think this has changed?”

A short chuckle left the spy’s lips as Claire began to drink.

“I’m ready to become more like you.”

The glass dropped onto the table and spilled the high-percent content all over the surface.

“Oh, shit.” Claire jumped up and dashed into the kitchen, quickly grabbing a dishcloth to clean the mess before it penetrated the wood or could spill onto the floor. When all the liquid had been absorbed by the cloth, she turned back to Ada. “More like me?”

The dark-haired woman smiled almost tenderly, which seemed extremely frightening to Claire.

“It’s obvious that he saw the perfect mother in you. And it doesn’t even surprise me,” she whispered, glancing around the apartment. “Look at you Claire. I think there is not one single sharp object in this place. Everything is made child-safe, except for the gun maybe. A gun you didn’t hesitate to use to shy away strangers that might come here and threat your little family, by the way. You look like you haven’t had sex in months.” She chuckled, causing Claire to clench her teeth in offense. “And it doesn’t even bother you, because all you need is the certainty that Holly is fine.” Head lowered, she smiled regretfully. “I want that too.”

Claire glared at the woman who had always supposed to be a rival to her; the one who had claimed Leon in a way she herself could never compete with; the mysterious woman who had held his heart and soul captive all his life, causing him to die empty and abandoned. Now that woman was saying she wanted to be more like her. Maybe it was because age had made her wiser. Who knew?

Claire sighed and got onto her feet, walking to a sideboard on the wall and opening the first drawer.

“Before I forget,” she whispered pulling out an envelope and turning back to the table. “I think this is for you. Sounds like you are ready now.” She grimaced as she placed the envelope onto the table. “His last will stated he wanted you to have this. The notary gave it to me, because…” she sighed. “He got it all wrong.”

 

_To the mother of my child_

 

Ada stared at the note, hesitating if she wanted to read the last words Leon had to give her. In the bedroom, Holly started crying loudly, causing Claire to turn around.

“I’ll go and see what she needs,” she whispered, placing one hand onto Ada’s shoulder, before leaving her alone.

The spy took up the envelope and cut it up slowly.

* * *

 

Company was everything Holly requested, it seemed. Once Claire had taken her into her arms, the girl stopped crying and even started giggling happily, squeaking like a little pig from time to time. It was something Claire found incredibly cute and she could have eaten the child every time she shrieked like that. She started walking through the bedroom, cradling Holly softly, humming _Who wants to live forever_ by Queen to her. When the child had given in to slumber again, she laid her back into the crib and caressed her cheek with her index finger.

“Hey, sweetheart. You’re going on a long journey” A silent tear rolled down her cheek when the thought hit her. “Your mommy made a mistake, but we all make them, don’t we?” She smiled at her own words. “My mistake was to love you more than I was allowed to, just like I loved your father more than I was ever supposed to.”

She wished Holly would wake up and tell her she loved her too, that she didn’t give a damn about Ada and that she wanted to stay with her; that she wanted her to be her mother. Unfortunately, Holly was so young she wouldn’t even remember Claire once Ada took her with her. So, the redhead turned around and walked to her wardrobe, where she kept the huge blue bag where all of Holly’s things fitted in, images of the past months playing vividly in front of her eyes. No matter what she had lost, Holly had been worth a broken relationship with Tom, as well as the disrespect of her brother. Now it was time to face her mistakes, without the child by her side.

“Time to let go, Claire.”

* * *

 

Diapers and cleaning tissues, Holly’s little clothes and pajamas and the brown teddy bear Leon had still bought for her were placed carefully into the bag. Fighting against tears, she stepped into the living room to hand Ada the bag before getting some bottles and packages of infant formula from the kitchen. However, Ada wasn’t sitting at the table anymore.

“Ada?” She asked, surprised by the sudden breeze blowing around her. The rosé curtains waved inside the room, impulsed by the air flooding through the open window. Ada was standing on the window frame causing Claire to let go a shrill scream. “What are you doing?”

Ada turned her head to the redhead and smirked cockily.

“I’m leaving,” she said, surprised by Claire’s reaction. She scowled. “You didn’t think I was going to jump, did you?”

Her laughter filled the room as Claire stared at her in hesitation.

“But… Holly…” The bag in her hand told Ada how serious she was about giving her the child. “Are you going to abandon her again?” But the spy shook her head regretfully.

“I don’t abandon her. I know she’s in the best possible hands.” She smiled. “I heard what you said, Claire, and you’re right. I made a mistake, and even though I also believe mistakes can be made right, I don’t think I have the right to take her away from you.”

Was there a right thing to say? Claire took one step forward, not willing to be the one responsible for the departure of Holly’s biological mother, nor to insist again and lose the child she loved so much forever.

Ada nodded.

“It’s okay.” Her head cocked toward the table. “Also, that’s not for me.”

Claire turned around and spotted Leon’s letter, moving wildly in the wind, about to be blown off the table. Even in the darkness she saw the name it was addressed to.

_Claire_

 

She frowned, holding back tears. Leon could have really written her name on the stupid envelope too. Sniffing, she turned to the window to say goodbye to the eternal rival. But Ada was already gone.

 

Claire closed the window and sat down, watching the lettered sheets lying across the table, asking herself if she wanted to know what Leon had to tell her from his grave. She served herself another drink. Her hand shook when it reached for the message and pulled it closer. Turning on the light, she began to read.

 

_My dear Claire,_

 

_If you read this letter, my mission in Africa has been a failure and I am probably dead._

_Words can’t say how much I regret not spending more time with you and Holly, because I’d never felt as happy as I have in the past days. I know things have often been tense and difficult between us two. I’m neither blind nor stupid, Claire, I felt it too. Now that nothing matters anymore, keep in mind that I always loved you, just not the way you wanted me to, nor the way you deserved.  I’m not meant to be simply happy. In my life everything needs to be complex, dark and difficult. I chose to hunt the ghost of a woman whose name I wasn’t really sure I knew, because I always knew that she would never let me get close enough to her to even try to break her and myself with it and it’s exactly what I needed to live on. You, on the other hand, you were always there to help, to save, and to shine your light into other people’s lives. So, what happens when that messy darkness inside of me touches your light?_

 

_Too much of what? You asked. Not even that question has a simple response. You’re too much of everything good remaining in my life. You are goodness, beauty, family; you are the sunshine after a rainy day and you make everything seem easy and bright. And I was tempted, Claire. I was always tempted to put my hands on you._

 

_I can’t regret having tried, I just wish it had lasted longer; but I do regret dismissing you the way I did. I hope you can understand that I couldn’t let my darkness consume you. Once I was aware of what I had been doing to you, I had to stop it. I would have killed you, Claire. And you never deserved such a misery. You deserve pure love and plain happiness. So, as a token of our eternal friendship and the love I could never offer you, I want you to have the only good thing I ever managed to make._

 

_If you agree, I want you to keep Holly. Not only because I couldn’t think of a better mother for my child, but also because I know that she will give you the little light inside of me that existed and shone because you were there all this time._

 

_I’m also aware that raising a child brings some costs and I’m sure Tom won’t be happy to accept my daughter without previous warning, so I want you to have access to a private bank account. It’s everything I made since I work for the government, minus some drinks and the bear I bought for Holly. That money is yours now._

 

She jumped to her feet as she read the papers and access cards to the whole bunch of money available for herself and Holly.

“You dumbass!” She yelled. “You could have really told me earlier about this!” Crying and laughing at once, she dropped onto the chair again. Tom would never know about all that money. “Thank you, you stupid, stupid idiot.”

 

_The payout of my life insurance goes to Holly. This is all I can give to you now._

 

_I wish you the happiness you deserve Claire._

 

_Thank you for making me a better man._

 

_Love,_

 

_Leon_

 

Claire read the letter over and over again, letting tears flow freely. She refilled the glass and drank for her dead friend, for all the good times they’d had, and for the little bag of happiness he had left her with. Almost a year after his death, she could finally forgive him. Folding the letter, she kept it in the drawer again and decided she’d get ready for bed.

 

She didn’t reach the bedroom.

 

Someone knocked on the door in the middle of the night.

 

On tiptoes, she made her way to the hall, silently glimpsing through the peephole, recognizing the man behind the door. In excitement, she ripped it open.

“You?”

* * *

 

  


**I’ll leave it to the reader to decide who the mysterious man is who pays Claire a visit in the middle of the night.**

 

**Could it be Chris?**

 

**I think it could be Chris.**

 

**…**

 

**Yes, it’s Chris.**

 

**Merry Christmas everybody!**

  
  



End file.
